Well, life could be troublesome. It does not flow smoothly as we expected to be. What should I do with it? How do I handle  it? Who am I turning into? Those questions pop out on my head. I did answer them myself. The answer was simple, I do not know. My life is a dead end. I can see myself in the future, see myself to be a failure. A big BOO for me. I am such a loser. This is the lowest point of my life. That was my thought.

              I simply changed that 'I dont know' into ' I can solve this'. It is crystal clear I have ALLAH. Everything was my fault, I was busy chasing dunya, materials and stuff but I forgot His existence. I am a human, I have my weakness and I am on my way to improve it. But before I deal with myself to fix things, I am actually investigating my relationship with ALLAH. I did all the wrongs and still doing it. He gave me all the burdens because of the sins that I made and He wants me to turn into him and be a slave of ALLAH. I motivated myself why I am facing all bad things? Because ALLAH wants me to learn from the situation and as preparation for me facing the bigger bad situation. I am trying my best not to blame Him when the unwanted things happened. But, the possibility of me doing it is high because I have my weakness and when things did not work out as I planned. My anger was raging storm inside of me. But before I do so, I have to be positive on everything happened to me, not blaming people and of course ask myself, why did this happen. World is pushing us down. It is the way we handle the pressure. I am not a good person, but I am improving myself in terms of religious, self- esteem, self-  manners, handling people who would push me around, handling my issues, being a good daughter, being a responsible person and etc. The point is, I am trying to be a better person, trying to get rid of my childish behavior and be a mature person at certain circumstances. Another few days, I will be turning 25. Of course, some of my friends just got married this year but the good news is, it did not really hit me. I did not feel 'Awww... what about me? I have someone but we are stupid and full of moronity'. I feel happy for my friends who has got married. Because my life is a long way ahead and there is too much to plan for the future me. Getting married is of course on my plan list and I am going to make it huge and grand (that sounds so depressing since the economic crisis getting worst). Well, what we plan does not necessarily going to work as we wanted it to be. Maybe it happens but in a slightly different way. Not exactly what we wished. Maybe it does not happen at all, but a better things occur instead. It is something that you need, not something that you want.


         All I wanted to be was a successful and responsible person to my family and the community. It is not easy as it seems. But as I said, I want to fix my relationship with ALLAH and my surroundings because sometimes, well maybe in certain situation, I can be mean. Through my words or my actions.  People judge me and I do judge them too, silently or obviously. Depends on how we express our feelings on certain circumstances. I am going to be a better me and be a nice person sincerely not because of something else that could be beneficial to me (sometimes it happens, uhh... yes offence).


       Well, I am going to finish what I have started and go with the flow and be happy for it. Be happy for myself and be happy for what is going on even though it is hard. I am trying as hard as  I can be a better person and be someone that my mother can be proud of. Work harder and smarter in order to complete what I have started from the beginning and please do not be cocky when I accomplished them. Be humble where I am and who I am dealing with. Smile even though that person looks at you with an ugly and hideous face expression. Life goes on, clock is ticking you loves ones wait for you with a scroll in your hand. Your life is waiting for a big job opportunity that fits you in.

      You can do this Hanirah Ramli. Absolutely!!!

        It has been awhile since I do not know when I updated my blog where no one reads about. It has been forever actually. Never checked the date of my last blog updated. So, anywho, I read an article on Facebook about a 17 year old girl and 15 year old boy who got married around this week. I do not know the exact date and the location of these two married couple. My first impression was, 'they are kids'. So I scrolled down to read the comments from the readers. Some agreed, some was being neutral and some disagreed. I am one of the 'Disagreed' team. Yes, because I have got my opinions too and every opinion does not considered as right or wrong. We human have the same structure of brain but the way we use it is differently, that makes us different characters and shows how differ we are in how we lead our own way.

      So back to the topic, why I am being disagree about these young couple being married at the early age. Firstly, I was a teenager too and I was being rebellious towards everything around me. A 15 year old me was trying hard to find myself.  I was even confused about the point of me being 'released' out into this crazy messed up world. I was struggling myself to find what's best for myself, I thought I was right, but the reality told me, I was wrong. The point is, a 15 year old me not only facing the PMR exam, but struggling to death what life is all about, and the searching did not end there. It is still going on up until now (only now I know how to handle it). So, I am trying to say is, young adult usually figuring out what life is all about. The maturity is not there. Some say ' the old people now got married even younger than that'. True, but the past was way different than now, those oldies was working hard to feed their children without asking empathy from their parents because the level of poorness was the same all they do was working hard everyday to raise the generation of theirs. Look at the economy now, everything involved money, like 'no money no talk'. I mean EVERYTHING. Can you imagine these young adults? This 15 year old boy, what is he going to work to feed the family? How do they handle the stress towards each other? What will they end up with? Divorce. I am not asking for it but the possibilities are there. When things out of their hands and they cant control the mess. Both young married couple own the big, sturdy, tough egos. So what the marriage is all about? Divorce? Marriage is all about divorce? So we get married to get divorce? How about the parents? they deserve to look at these young people to be in tertiary education and watch them with proud receiving the bachelor degree on graduation ceremony. They deserve to 'taste' every cents that we earned. We were born to pay back what they have had 'invested' to us and make them proud and saying ' I was not regret by delivering you into this earth'. We were born to serve them when they get old, make them happy by appreciating them. They deserve to be materialistic towards us.

Some say, ' It is better they get married than seeing them 'throwing' or ' leaving' the 'unwanted' baby on the trash cans'. I know, babies are cute. I love babies and of course I want them my own too. As I said, get married and that is it? They do the HALAL way sex only?. So the marriage is all about having this halal way sex? As I said, these kids cant handle the mess and what would the will end up with? the D word. After they D word, do you think the dad can afford to feed the baby. Of course, no. low education level living in a big economy crisis country. Still the dad can handle this? OK. Lets just not talking about on the post divorce. The situation while they are still as married couple. The husband can cope up with with the fluctuate economic crisis? I dont think so, they did not finish secondary education. What job require a PMR  certificate? None. About that education, if their kids asked about basic science or math and they cant answer. They are supposed to be the role model to the kids. All the answer was, 'You have a teacher, ask them', Ok, to me the best education starts at home where the parents should be their role model, not only in terms of 'shaping' the manners, but to enhance their school education. Help the children with their homework.

Even me, I am 24 and I have someone. We off and on sometimes, we could not figure out what we want to do with our relationship. I cant take a risk of marrying him because I cant quite figure out what's with my life. I want to be married and being called as Puan or Mrs. or Madam Hanirah and have someone next to me all the time and have a cute baby who takes after me (in terms of look) but as I stated earlier,  "The point is, a 15 year old me not only facing the PMR exam, but struggling to death what life is all about, and the searching did not end there. It is still going on up until now (only now I know how to handle it)". I still worry about myself. My mom is my priority. She deserve to have what I have when I am successful someday. I want to spoil her with good food, great vacation and a comfortable house (I mean the furniture and the kitchen deco). It is like I put her first after my carrier. Other than that, I want to travel around the globe and meet new faces, create new dish and name it after me, do something great with my life before I end up my single life. I mean, after I get married, my whole life will be his and as for now, my life is all about my life. About my relationship, I let ALLAH decides for me. I want my sister to get married first. I am proud of her, she is a successful engineer and she has right to have a great husband before me. I promised her, if she found someone to be her true husband, I will organize or CLEAN bachelorette party or bridal shower for her. I am willing to do that.

So, that is it. Instead of me updating my chapter 1,2,3 and 4, I was writing what is on my mind about this crappy young marriage. For those who read my blog. Thank you and have a nice life